Do you feel like this?

I want to give perspective on my own situation and the effects PTSD has had on my life. After years of walking around in a cloud of denial, I awoke in a world that I did not recognize nor desire to be in. Something had to change. I began asking people to give me feedback on my behavior. At first I was angry with the input and discounted it as weakness in those who would dare to tell me what I had asked to hear. I thought how could they possibly know what I went through, and how could they say they could have handled it any different? Well as usual I was making it about everyone else and not me. After all I had asked. I slowly realized I was bouncing in and out of a state of something I had not yet identified. Shortly after the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom I was sitting in front of the television compulsively watching the live video feeds from the embedded reporters. One morning my second wife got out of bed to find me sitting in my chair in a catatonic state. I had obviously thrown up all down the front of myself and she described me as having a seizure. We rushed to the VA outpatient clinic in Tulsa, Oklahoma where I was diagnosed with PTSD. This motivated me to try and maintain my clarity. I am still struggling to maintain that clarity.
Often I find myself rushing to intercede in a situation that involves aggression or looks like it has the potential of being violent. Only to suffer extreme anxiety afterword including uncontrollable body shaking, nausea, and the overwhelming feeling of extreme exhaustion. Many times my dreams following such an episode will have me in a position of danger and I am unable to move a muscle to stop the impending assault. Yet each time I am faced with such a situation, without thought I march right in and basically beg for all hostility and violence to be directed right at me. Not only am I hyper vigilant, but I seek hostility and danger. Only to be rewarded shortly after with a very negative physical response. If I hear a sound in the middle of the night it brings euphoria and excitement that I may be able to engage and disable a would be threat. And I pay for it again and again. I tend to justify it to myself as, better me than whom ever I interceded for.
I am highly agitated by large crowds and do everything possible to avoid places where I suspect a gathering may occur. Being enclosed is not option. I also avoid being what I would consider isolated from emergency medical care. I have a fear that I may need care and not be able to reach it in the event I am injured or incapacitated. This became apparent to me when I chose over the road trucking as a vocation. Each time I would drive across a vast expanse of desolate country my anxiety would get to the point I would get vertigo, nausea and become very agitated to the point of hostility. Needless to say I don't drive over the road anymore. Each job I have chosen has had to have a certain element of danger involved or pose a significant physical challenge or I would lose interest quickly and quit.
Having this sort of intense personality combined with my 6'5" stature, an array of tattoos and of course a closely shaved head results in inadvertent intimidation of those around me. I am actually a very gentle person at heart and I always take care to defend the weak. I love animals to a fault, which has led me to have far too many pets at various times in my life. But that is not the kind of person people see me as. I unknowingly vacillate between the kind hearted gentle giant and the predator I became in the military. Maintaining any kind of long term relationship has been very difficult. Divorced twice before I was 37 and now married again I struggle to maintain clarity so that I don't destroy my present marriage. I tend not to give much thought to other peoples feelings. I will say whatever comes to mind and I fully expect them to deal with it. If they don't, well I guess we can just have a problem then is my attitude. Does any of this sound familiar? Its not my intention to be this way, it is not my desire to have this be my legacy.
Lets talk about the VA for a moment. You may have a very competent staff locally and I pray that you do. I am not so fortunate and I am under the impression from listening to other veterans that there is a void in PTSD care at this moment within the VA. I have noticed a push to correct this problem and I think there is a movement occurring to improve care for veterans with PTSD. However, do not let the VA be your only outlet for care even if finances are an issue. I am developing relationships with some very dedicated and talented people in this area of expertise. My goal is to provide a direct link to excellent resources for all veterans regardless of location or income levels. As I become aware of these resources I will promptly pass them along. I do not have the cure as I am still battling in the trenches myself, but I am motivated and focused on being a catalyst for healing for all my fellow warriors. Keep fighting the good fight.