First off, my inspiration for this blog post was initiated by reading another authors post about a relationship with a friend that passed away before her time, and the conversation that ensued between my wife and I. As I have stated before, I lost both of my parents to suicide. My Mom was first, I lost her at the age of 13. I have yet to completely wrap my head around that. I was told by my father after her death to lower a shoulder and power on. My desire in life is and has been to be a man. Not just any man but a power player. So I did as he told me and compartmentalized my grief and turned to face my next challenge. There were many, and I thought my job was to absorb them with as little outward expression of pain as possible. I was being hurt and the little boy inside me knew it. No pain, no gain right? Or how about, “Pain is weakness leaving your body?” All a false illusion of my bad-ass complex! Which was by proxy my Fathers bad-ass complex. Did I mention he was suffering from PTSD due to Vietnam? Begin mission impossible, making a 13 year old boy as tough as a Vietnam Veteran. Because that was my yard stick I intended on measuring myself with.
I believe I began a life of dual self images when my Mom died. On one hand I was a young boy trying to find my place and on the other a warrior in training. Through the rest of my life that little boy has never really gone away. I can summon that person almost at will. However, that child has become somewhat distorted by life events and trauma due to my burning desire to be this mountain of a man. I have always been competitive, fiercely so! As I got older and the stakes got higher, I realized that the person who would be willing to go farther toward the edge of no return would win. I have never appreciated playing the game, I am only interested in the win. I figured rules in games were made by people who didn’t like being dominated. The ends always justified the means. I began to live my life with that motto. I would go longer, farther, faster and harder than anyone I knew. Sounded like a recipe for success I thought. I was becoming a predator. Part of me loved it, I had a hunger for something. I needed to feed that hunger, so I descended into a world of violence seeking and self sacrifice in order to find that primitive essence of manhood.
I thought the more I hurt that child inside me the better my training for manhood was progressing. For some reason I was still scared sometimes of the situations I found myself in. Then I heard someone say that “Courage is not the absence of fear, but a measure of your actions in the face of fear.” Well that was perfect for me, I could justify my fear and force myself to face whatever came along. Not just face it, but seek fear and force myself to engage and conquer it. The little boy continued to suffer. At 19 years old I was getting to be a handful for most anyone to handle. I had been in the far east for over a year and had seen and done some pretty intense things. I mean intense even by my definition of the term. I came home on leave and my Father being who he was recognized that edge I was carrying. He got drunk and decided to test the waters with me. Sadly, even though he had abused me and my Mom for years, I delivered a beating that the UFC would have been proud of. A beating that would haunt me for years. Hero’s are hero’s for a reason, it is very inappropriate to engage your hero in an act of violence! I can’t possibly describe what that did to the child inside me.
I think my Father thought I got lucky in the exchange. He didn’t realize I had been planning that beat down since the days of him torturing me with the notion that he was friends with the monsters that lived under my bed and he could ask them to attack me if he wanted to. I spent countless nights laying completely still and quiet believing that the monsters wouldn’t get me if I didn’t give away my position. That to me was weakness and I wanted to purge myself of it. Due to his alcoholism, we would face each other several more times with similar results all the way up to 1995 when he took his own life. Now that my yardstick had fallen, I needed a new goal. I found that goal many times in the form of an overconfident and undertrained individual looking to prove his worth. I was a predator, no question!
As I have matured beyond those days I have realized that I wasn’t really a man, but a childish predator. I had totally missed the mark! Was I mean? Certainly! Was I capable of hurting people? Absolutely! Was I damaged? Without a doubt! Its time to transcend the realm of predator and move on to the original goal of manhood. PTSD was my wake up call. What will be your wake up call? Think your a bad-ass? Be glad we didn’t meet a few years ago, I would have considered you an obstacle to be conquered. Now my goal is to heal and nurture my inner child and rest my inner predator. If you are willing I would like to help you do the same. A real man is neither a child nor a predator. I have come to realize, its somewhere in the middle. I am still capable of both, I can laugh and giggle with my wife like a little boy, and take out an intruder with absolute bad intentions.
Pain is an indication of something that requires your attention. A little pain is a normal part of growth. Intense pain is an indication of damage. Results of intense physical pain usually have visible scars. If the scars of emotional pain become visible then it is time to look inward and evaluate your condition. I am beyond the stigma, no one can tell me I am weak. I have scars from emotional trauma and I am so relieved to finally know what it is. I can use that same determination to push things to the edge for a greater purpose. Finally embracing my dream of manhood. Are you ready to make that claim? If so, lets bring about change together and bring others along as we go. Stigma meet my inner predator!
Jason
OperationPTSD
Monday, October 26, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Moved to a new location
Due to the overwhelming response and operational commitments I will be posting all further posts at http://www.operationptsd.com/ starting November 11th. Thank you so much for your interest in my opinions and perspective. It is a great privilege to be in a position to advocate and educate on the topic of PTSD. The website is up if you want to stop by and sign up as a member.
OperationPTSD
OperationPTSD
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Cadence.
Recovery is not always a daily victory. I try to maintain a positive attitude to be a beacon of light for my fellow Veterans to follow. Today I was scheduled for a PTSD assessment for a VA rating. As excited as I am to be pushing forward in the battle against PTSD, this appointment totally wiped my energy reserves. My last post was about making a plan for each day and having the courage to follow it. Okay, my fellow PTSD Vets here I am following my plan. I decided today was the day I would make another blog entry. I am struggling to see through the fog and feel like I am swimming against a rip-tide. I always wanted to know that the people I followed actually had the guts to walk the path they asked me to walk. Step by step I will move forward.
We all remember learning to march in formation. For me it was at Great Lakes Recruit Training Command in March of 1988. Tired as all hell and cold to the bone I just wanted to lay down and rest. That was not the plan. We were going to learn how to stay in step with the cadence if it killed us and our Company Commander. We were a bunch of civilian knot heads struggling to push our square minds through a round hole or porthole as the case was. I loved to hear that cadence called. It made me want to march. I still love to hear it and every time I do, I return to boot camp and that day in my mind. As we learned to march to the cadence and got good at it, we started adding a little flair to it. A stomp and drag,
or maybe an "eyes right" as we passed the female cadets. Little by little that began to build a camaraderie between the men of company 911.
On days like today I refer back to that cadence. I don't want to march forward. I want to lay on my ass and do nothing. I can't allow it, PTSD is ravaging my fellow Veterans. So I call an internal cadence and I march. How many of my brothers will die today? I can't stop them all, but I won't be sitting on my ass while it happens. The doctor I saw today was pointing out the fact that we find our identities based upon what we do. He said if he couldn't be a doctor then he would be lost. I can relate, when I got out of the Navy I was lost. If I couldn't be a squid, then what was I?
I have tried to be so many things, some I was pretty good at and others not so good.
I was a corrections officer, I liked the physical conflicts. I hated the fact that these people never got to go home. I know they were convicts but that doesn't make them any less human. I was conflicted, they deserved a beating in some aspects and deserved to be treated like people at the same time. I quit!
Then came retail sales, I am so glad I did this. I found that I can't stand dealing with the public, but since it was Western Auto I learned all about cars. I still do all of my own mechanic work. Yet again I quit! Had a few more automotive service and sales jobs and decided maybe retail wasn't my game.
I started my own construction business. I guess at first it was more destruction than construction, but I learned quick. By the end of my run at this field I was doing tile and stone in multi-million dollar homes in south Tulsa. Good money, hard work and a drug habit to boot! And yep you guessed it, I quit!
So I had the bright idea of going to truck driving school. People have a total misconception of truckers. It takes a special breed to drive a truck. I learned to drive, back and inspect everything concerning a truck. I was a safe and prompt truck driver. No accidents, no incidents, runs, errors, or drips. I hated it. I didn't like the isolation, I wanted to be in a team environment. Before I could quit this career I was injured on the job. On April 18, 2008 I was rolling a compressed argon cylinder and the bottom of the cylinder slipped on the concrete floor. I attempted to man up and hold on, and as a result I destroyed my right shoulder.
Game over!
I have had two surgeries to correct the problem, but I am left with only a partially useful joint. I was so lost and confused about who I was and what I was supposed to do. Until one night I decided to get on Twitter. I met Mac McPherson an Army Vet with PTSD. He saw my Twitter name was OperationPTSD and reached out to me. That was about a month ago, and I now realize what I am supposed to be doing. I am supposed to be calling cadence for my fellow PTSD Vets. I used to watch the foot steps of the guy in front of me, I would just get lost in the cadence and concentrate on his steps. Before I knew it, we were at our destination. I am asking you Veterans to fall into step and begin a march toward healing. Before we know it we will all arrive at our destination.
OperationPTSD
We all remember learning to march in formation. For me it was at Great Lakes Recruit Training Command in March of 1988. Tired as all hell and cold to the bone I just wanted to lay down and rest. That was not the plan. We were going to learn how to stay in step with the cadence if it killed us and our Company Commander. We were a bunch of civilian knot heads struggling to push our square minds through a round hole or porthole as the case was. I loved to hear that cadence called. It made me want to march. I still love to hear it and every time I do, I return to boot camp and that day in my mind. As we learned to march to the cadence and got good at it, we started adding a little flair to it. A stomp and drag,
or maybe an "eyes right" as we passed the female cadets. Little by little that began to build a camaraderie between the men of company 911.
On days like today I refer back to that cadence. I don't want to march forward. I want to lay on my ass and do nothing. I can't allow it, PTSD is ravaging my fellow Veterans. So I call an internal cadence and I march. How many of my brothers will die today? I can't stop them all, but I won't be sitting on my ass while it happens. The doctor I saw today was pointing out the fact that we find our identities based upon what we do. He said if he couldn't be a doctor then he would be lost. I can relate, when I got out of the Navy I was lost. If I couldn't be a squid, then what was I?
I have tried to be so many things, some I was pretty good at and others not so good.
I was a corrections officer, I liked the physical conflicts. I hated the fact that these people never got to go home. I know they were convicts but that doesn't make them any less human. I was conflicted, they deserved a beating in some aspects and deserved to be treated like people at the same time. I quit!
Then came retail sales, I am so glad I did this. I found that I can't stand dealing with the public, but since it was Western Auto I learned all about cars. I still do all of my own mechanic work. Yet again I quit! Had a few more automotive service and sales jobs and decided maybe retail wasn't my game.
I started my own construction business. I guess at first it was more destruction than construction, but I learned quick. By the end of my run at this field I was doing tile and stone in multi-million dollar homes in south Tulsa. Good money, hard work and a drug habit to boot! And yep you guessed it, I quit!
So I had the bright idea of going to truck driving school. People have a total misconception of truckers. It takes a special breed to drive a truck. I learned to drive, back and inspect everything concerning a truck. I was a safe and prompt truck driver. No accidents, no incidents, runs, errors, or drips. I hated it. I didn't like the isolation, I wanted to be in a team environment. Before I could quit this career I was injured on the job. On April 18, 2008 I was rolling a compressed argon cylinder and the bottom of the cylinder slipped on the concrete floor. I attempted to man up and hold on, and as a result I destroyed my right shoulder.
Game over!
I have had two surgeries to correct the problem, but I am left with only a partially useful joint. I was so lost and confused about who I was and what I was supposed to do. Until one night I decided to get on Twitter. I met Mac McPherson an Army Vet with PTSD. He saw my Twitter name was OperationPTSD and reached out to me. That was about a month ago, and I now realize what I am supposed to be doing. I am supposed to be calling cadence for my fellow PTSD Vets. I used to watch the foot steps of the guy in front of me, I would just get lost in the cadence and concentrate on his steps. Before I knew it, we were at our destination. I am asking you Veterans to fall into step and begin a march toward healing. Before we know it we will all arrive at our destination.
OperationPTSD
Monday, October 5, 2009
The Enemy or is it The In me?
After attending a VA group therapy session for PTSD Veterans from OIF and OEF. I realized what a lack of basic PTSD knowledge exists among the Veterans suffering from PTSD. Knowledge is key when attempting to engage any problem. A primary element in any military operation is intelligence. You must know the location, and scale of the enemy you intend to engage. I sat among 5 young men ranging in age from 25 to 29. They were all of above average intelligence, but clearly not aware of the effects of PTSD as an illness. Why is the VA not doing more to educate these Veterans? After sitting quietly and observing them for about thirty minutes and listening to them tell stories of suffering from rage, followed by depression and then turning to alcohol or other substances to cope.
I started to speak. I was a little angry myself, angry that these men had been coming to this same meeting every two weeks for months on end to rehash the same old tired stories from the week previous. They had learned nothing to help them battle back against the cause of their constant cycles. I asked if they knew the definition of insanity. I explained that doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result was insanity. They seemed shocked that I would take a firm tone with them and offer something other than a victims perspective. I asked if they had any ideas about how to deal with everyday issues they faced. No response! I saw warriors staring at the floor, lost and without any idea of where to start.
When I was on active duty, the Navy always had a "Plan of the day" and it provided everyone with a specific set of goals to accomplish for that day. What a novel idea!
Setting a goal and working toward it. One of the main issues they had been dealing with was the lack of clarity in the morning to decide what to do with themselves all day. They would end up sleeping half the day and then be angry with themselves for not being successful. Then get depressed and turn to substance abuse to cope. Rinse and repeat.
I was not shocked to hear this, because I have done it for years. And all the while under VA care for PTSD. Imagine that! I told them it would continue until THEY decided to do something different. I suggested they sit down and write themselves a "Plan of the day" so that they could have a guideline to follow. Wake up and follow the plan! If you can read you can accomplish goals by applying this very basic technique. Accomplishments were the one bright spot in our conversation. The only time I saw a twinkle in the eyes of these men was while they described an accomplishment. They all said that periods in their lives when things seemed better was triggered by some sort of success.
Okay, that being said, lets formulate a plan to bring success. Starting with goal setting. Most people don't plan to fail, they fail to plan. One very simple way to reverse the negative cycle. Make a plan. Train your mind and your ass will follow!
Don't plan to conquer the world, make a plan you are comfortable executing. Do it everyday and gain momentum. Allow yourself room to make mistakes and allow your momentum to propel you to greater goals. Feed off of success and not failure.
Education is key. I saw some enthusiasm at the end of the meeting and they asked if I planned on returning for the next meeting. I told them I would put it in my "Plan of the day." In a very brief amount of time we had come up with a viable solution to a very big issue. Now my main problem is outreach. I am limited to the amount of people I can educate because I have a capital issue. I need the funds to start a much, much larger outreach. I need your help. I need to educate more people and motivate them to send more people to me for that education. I am living off of disability for a shoulder injury that has ended my ability to earn a living the way I always have. So I decided to change my plan from building things to rebuilding lives.
Help me help other Veterans and their families. My wife has agreed to shift her career focus to helping the wives and family members of Veterans with PTSD. With your support we can set larger goals and gain momentum. Corporate money is the goal but that will be accomplished only with a track record. For now individual support is crucial. The troops need to shift their focus from the "Enemy to the In Me." Education will give them the tools to make that shift. If you wish to make a donation, contact me at the link provided in the "About Me" section. Or if you know of a place I could go and speak to a large group of Veterans I would be happy to come and do that!
Thank You America,
IamOperationPTSD
I started to speak. I was a little angry myself, angry that these men had been coming to this same meeting every two weeks for months on end to rehash the same old tired stories from the week previous. They had learned nothing to help them battle back against the cause of their constant cycles. I asked if they knew the definition of insanity. I explained that doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result was insanity. They seemed shocked that I would take a firm tone with them and offer something other than a victims perspective. I asked if they had any ideas about how to deal with everyday issues they faced. No response! I saw warriors staring at the floor, lost and without any idea of where to start.
When I was on active duty, the Navy always had a "Plan of the day" and it provided everyone with a specific set of goals to accomplish for that day. What a novel idea!
Setting a goal and working toward it. One of the main issues they had been dealing with was the lack of clarity in the morning to decide what to do with themselves all day. They would end up sleeping half the day and then be angry with themselves for not being successful. Then get depressed and turn to substance abuse to cope. Rinse and repeat.
I was not shocked to hear this, because I have done it for years. And all the while under VA care for PTSD. Imagine that! I told them it would continue until THEY decided to do something different. I suggested they sit down and write themselves a "Plan of the day" so that they could have a guideline to follow. Wake up and follow the plan! If you can read you can accomplish goals by applying this very basic technique. Accomplishments were the one bright spot in our conversation. The only time I saw a twinkle in the eyes of these men was while they described an accomplishment. They all said that periods in their lives when things seemed better was triggered by some sort of success.
Okay, that being said, lets formulate a plan to bring success. Starting with goal setting. Most people don't plan to fail, they fail to plan. One very simple way to reverse the negative cycle. Make a plan. Train your mind and your ass will follow!
Don't plan to conquer the world, make a plan you are comfortable executing. Do it everyday and gain momentum. Allow yourself room to make mistakes and allow your momentum to propel you to greater goals. Feed off of success and not failure.
Education is key. I saw some enthusiasm at the end of the meeting and they asked if I planned on returning for the next meeting. I told them I would put it in my "Plan of the day." In a very brief amount of time we had come up with a viable solution to a very big issue. Now my main problem is outreach. I am limited to the amount of people I can educate because I have a capital issue. I need the funds to start a much, much larger outreach. I need your help. I need to educate more people and motivate them to send more people to me for that education. I am living off of disability for a shoulder injury that has ended my ability to earn a living the way I always have. So I decided to change my plan from building things to rebuilding lives.
Help me help other Veterans and their families. My wife has agreed to shift her career focus to helping the wives and family members of Veterans with PTSD. With your support we can set larger goals and gain momentum. Corporate money is the goal but that will be accomplished only with a track record. For now individual support is crucial. The troops need to shift their focus from the "Enemy to the In Me." Education will give them the tools to make that shift. If you wish to make a donation, contact me at the link provided in the "About Me" section. Or if you know of a place I could go and speak to a large group of Veterans I would be happy to come and do that!
Thank You America,
IamOperationPTSD
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Multiply the Joy, Divide the Sorrow
As I sit here sorting through the thousands of thoughts that flood my mind when I begin to write a message to my fellow Veterans. I try to choose my words carefully and make sure that everything I say is kept within the boundaries of the highest respect. Not because I am afraid of insulting my brothers, we do that as a show of camaraderie. I do it because I want them to realize that I will not cast judgement on them for any reason. I have read many articles in the past few days about active duty troops and their struggles with PTSD and TBI. I have read that it is frowned upon to consider seeking help for PTSD. This disturbs me to the point of anger. Yes, it takes a special breed of person to go into battle and perform at such a high level. Yes, there is a certain sense of hardness that needs to be exerted while in such a situation. Been there, done that, stayed the night and walked home! Just as it is said that apologizing for a wrong makes you a bigger and better person, it is the same principle in reaching out for help. Would a smart soldier compromise himself and others by neglecting his weapon? I think not! So why would you want to compromise yourself and your fellow soldiers, sailors or airmen by neglecting your greatest weapon on the battlefield?
Few things evoked a more emotional response to me and my fellow servicemen than our families. I have a unique love for my fellow Veterans because my family is gone. If you have kept up with my previous entries you know my father shot himself as a result of PTSD. Don't you think I would like to have my dad back? You bet I would, I was 25 years old when he died and there was a tremendous amount of experience yet to be passed on. Too little, too late! Don't be that guy! Obviously, if you have PTSD you have been in some kind of hardcore situation that made a huge impression on your brain. Now that being said, complete the mission by ensuring that you are fully "Good to GO" by getting screened and treated by a professional.
The latest information I have read is that somewhere in the neighborhood of 120 of our finest are killing themselves every day. PTSD is no joke! This will kill you if you allow it to. The key being IF YOU ALLOW IT! You are in control by having the choice to get the help. If you choose not to get the help you forfeit control and you open yourself up to all the horrors that is PTSD. Nightmares, anxiety, anger, loss of self esteem, addiction, suicide and much more! I have walked hand in hand with all the things I just listed. If I said, "don't stick a fork in the toaster." Would you really need to ask why? Being a United States Military Veteran makes you a member of an elite group of people, the kind of people this world needs and wants. Be a Veteran not a statistic!
I am trying to plant the seed of healing. This seed will grow into the tree of life for us as Veterans. I can only represent one branch on that tree. I need each of you to help me care for each other. Together we will make that a tree that stands for freedom and liberty. If we are not healthy we are not free. I am sitting here fighting a battle 17 years after is signed my DD214. Not because I have to, but because I care about each and every one of you. That my brothers and sisters is respect. Pay it forward or pay it back. I choose my words carefully, you choose your actions with the same care and before you know it PTSD and all that it is will be gone. What will remain will be a proud legacy we all can share as America's hero's. Together we can multiply the joy and divide the sorrow!
Go do it!
IamOperationPTSD
Few things evoked a more emotional response to me and my fellow servicemen than our families. I have a unique love for my fellow Veterans because my family is gone. If you have kept up with my previous entries you know my father shot himself as a result of PTSD. Don't you think I would like to have my dad back? You bet I would, I was 25 years old when he died and there was a tremendous amount of experience yet to be passed on. Too little, too late! Don't be that guy! Obviously, if you have PTSD you have been in some kind of hardcore situation that made a huge impression on your brain. Now that being said, complete the mission by ensuring that you are fully "Good to GO" by getting screened and treated by a professional.
The latest information I have read is that somewhere in the neighborhood of 120 of our finest are killing themselves every day. PTSD is no joke! This will kill you if you allow it to. The key being IF YOU ALLOW IT! You are in control by having the choice to get the help. If you choose not to get the help you forfeit control and you open yourself up to all the horrors that is PTSD. Nightmares, anxiety, anger, loss of self esteem, addiction, suicide and much more! I have walked hand in hand with all the things I just listed. If I said, "don't stick a fork in the toaster." Would you really need to ask why? Being a United States Military Veteran makes you a member of an elite group of people, the kind of people this world needs and wants. Be a Veteran not a statistic!
I am trying to plant the seed of healing. This seed will grow into the tree of life for us as Veterans. I can only represent one branch on that tree. I need each of you to help me care for each other. Together we will make that a tree that stands for freedom and liberty. If we are not healthy we are not free. I am sitting here fighting a battle 17 years after is signed my DD214. Not because I have to, but because I care about each and every one of you. That my brothers and sisters is respect. Pay it forward or pay it back. I choose my words carefully, you choose your actions with the same care and before you know it PTSD and all that it is will be gone. What will remain will be a proud legacy we all can share as America's hero's. Together we can multiply the joy and divide the sorrow!
Go do it!
IamOperationPTSD
Monday, September 28, 2009
Nonprofit in the works.
We are working on making OperationPTSD a nonprofit organization. My goals are to raise awareness about the effects of PTSD and the importance of seeking treatment. My partners and I are brainstorming about the possible scope of this organization to provide a referral service for treatment, housing for homeless Vets and education assistance for those who will start treatment and are ready to make changes in their lives. The initial response has been quite good from those we have approached with this idea. My goal is to get the support of corporate backing. I am seeking opportunities to speak at colleges, rallies and corporate events. We are also trying to provide each Veteran with an awards shadow box to include a flag, rate and rank insignia, campaign badges, and all medals earned as an active duty warrior. It is so important to establish a point of pride for the service each of our hero's has provided. I want to wipe out any shame that they might feel as a result of PTSD. I want to recall that warrior spirit in each Veteran so that they may use it to combat the damage that has been done. I would also like to provide a hero's shadow box to all the fallen soldier's families. These are available online, but they are not cheap and I feel that the families should not have to spend a dime to have this keepsake. A new web site is in the works, we hope to unveil it on Veterans Day in November. We will proudly display the names of all of those who choose to help. We would also like to provide motivational speaking and literature for any event that would make the request for our presence. Honor, courage and commitment are our driving forces and we intend to stop losing our hero's to poverty, suicide and self imposed isolation. Thank you for your interest and support. We welcome all input and like minded people in our efforts to return the love we have received from our hero's.
OperationPTSD
OperationPTSD
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
No plan survives first contact.
For anyone who has been in the heat of combat you know the best laid plans rarely maintain their relevancy far into the battle. Any combat scenario is a fluid and ever evolving environment. That is were a sound knowledge in theory of tactics comes into play. This is why we have leaders on the battlefield. They have the ability to assess the situation and make changes in tactical approach as things change. I have noticed that some of my PTSD symptoms remain constant, however there has been an evolution in others. The triggers change, my reactions change, the consequences change! This makes approaching treatment challenging. We need an approach that can be fluid and highly adaptable. Traditional medicine is NOT working. I have tried several different approaches. At the VA they love that prescription pad! They also have a difficult time providing consistent appointments and schedules. The groups I went to for OIF and OEF, the time and day was always the same but the faces and topics changed so often there was basically no direction followed. It was just a place to go and complain, whine, cry and get depressed from hearing other peoples horror stories. Ending with the question, how are your meds treating you? "Well, I am just as squirrely (miserable, depressed, ect...) as I was last time I saw you," is the normal response. Then the big brush off with, "I am sorry, I hope you get to feeling better." Ever been to THAT meeting? As a matter of fact a close Ex-Navy friend of mine was told there was nothing that could be done to help him except a prescription. This was just about 6 months ago.
Wouldn't it be nice to take a different approach? How about a successful approach? How about a therapy session that includes something you have a genuine love and passion for? Or what about a treatment plan that had the intention of actually freeing you from the grip of PTSD? I have been introduced to it via a real life success story. Listen closely, this does exist! Before you are ready to start something like this, you need to get in touch with your absolute desire to be something different. Not a victim, but that confident and strong person that doesn't accept defeat. I am currently making the transformation from victim to victor! I haven't even started the therapy and just the decision I made not to be a weak and helpless victim anymore has already reduced some of my symptoms. It doesn't hurt that I have access to a fantastic network of very talented people.
So who is it? Do tell! This is the response I get to that last statement. Before I just lay it all out there for you, I want to make sure that the people I start to refer for this help are truly seeking to be cured of this illness. This is not what you have been doing and it is not what most people are doing for PTSD. The interesting thing is the ratio of PTSD victims I have met to PTSD victors. I have met lots of victims and OUR story is almost universal. There is some comfort in that. The knowledge that someone else feels like me. But that means someone else is just suffering like me. People there is no comfort in knowing you all are out there feeling terrible like me! I'm tired of it! If you are that tired of it, then make contact with me in my comment section or DM me on twitter. I will be glad to share the direction I am heading and the end result is freedom from this insidious illness.
There is good reason for me to be somewhat discrete in the dissemination of this information, I don't want to see half hearted attempts at recovery. That sort of thing leads to failure and frustration and the cycle continues. For me to be a leader in recovery and help people to be symptom free, I need to have people who really want it. The results will speak for themselves. This is not a secret handshake or the wave of a magic wand. Its a map to complete recovery and a chance to regain happiness and joy in your life. I need candidates that are ready for change. I challenge you ex-military to follow me and lead the way for others who need a good example to follow. Go do it!
Wouldn't it be nice to take a different approach? How about a successful approach? How about a therapy session that includes something you have a genuine love and passion for? Or what about a treatment plan that had the intention of actually freeing you from the grip of PTSD? I have been introduced to it via a real life success story. Listen closely, this does exist! Before you are ready to start something like this, you need to get in touch with your absolute desire to be something different. Not a victim, but that confident and strong person that doesn't accept defeat. I am currently making the transformation from victim to victor! I haven't even started the therapy and just the decision I made not to be a weak and helpless victim anymore has already reduced some of my symptoms. It doesn't hurt that I have access to a fantastic network of very talented people.
So who is it? Do tell! This is the response I get to that last statement. Before I just lay it all out there for you, I want to make sure that the people I start to refer for this help are truly seeking to be cured of this illness. This is not what you have been doing and it is not what most people are doing for PTSD. The interesting thing is the ratio of PTSD victims I have met to PTSD victors. I have met lots of victims and OUR story is almost universal. There is some comfort in that. The knowledge that someone else feels like me. But that means someone else is just suffering like me. People there is no comfort in knowing you all are out there feeling terrible like me! I'm tired of it! If you are that tired of it, then make contact with me in my comment section or DM me on twitter. I will be glad to share the direction I am heading and the end result is freedom from this insidious illness.
There is good reason for me to be somewhat discrete in the dissemination of this information, I don't want to see half hearted attempts at recovery. That sort of thing leads to failure and frustration and the cycle continues. For me to be a leader in recovery and help people to be symptom free, I need to have people who really want it. The results will speak for themselves. This is not a secret handshake or the wave of a magic wand. Its a map to complete recovery and a chance to regain happiness and joy in your life. I need candidates that are ready for change. I challenge you ex-military to follow me and lead the way for others who need a good example to follow. Go do it!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
More than just a glimmer!!
If you have read my previous entries then you know that I do not pull any punches. I have a message for you. A message of hope. I don't mean a distant shot at recovery, I mean an absolute reality that this illness we are fighting is not a life sentence with no possibility for parole.
I have been living with PTSD since August of 1970. Just so happens that is the very beginning of my life. My father was a Vietnam Vet, a law enforcement officer, and in my eyes a mountain of a man. He died December 30, 1995 of a self inflicted gunshot wound. I have mentioned that before and as terrible as that sounds, its just the tip of the iceberg. I did not mention that my fathers untreated PTSD and the turmoil that was caused by it in our home while I was growing up, claimed another victim. In November of 1983, my mother after 15 years of enduring unbelievable mental and physical abuse at the hands of my father, took her own life in our garage. I came home from school to discover her. Let me tell you something, it was not a banner day in my life. Somebody owed me an explanation. I received a partial explanation in 2003 with my PTSD diagnoses.
After 39 years of fighting this illness I had a conversation with a recovered (yes I said recovered) victim of PTSD. She is not a combat Veteran but that makes no difference. When I say that makes no difference, I am absolutely convinced that her PTSD is the same PTSD I struggle with. It is the same PTSD my father struggled with and it is the same PTSD you struggle with. That may be a big concept to grasp, but take a minute and get comfortable with it.
This person I spoke with has endeavored to undergo just about every conceivable treatment plan for PTSD. The list of treatment she rattled off to me was comprehensive to put it mildly. It was a list of failures however. She did enlighten me to the technique that worked. The science behind it is fact. No argument, no doubt hard science. The key is to want it. You have to want to get better. No more whining and crying or blame games. If you want to be sick that is your choice. If you want to get better then there is hope. I did not say it would be easy, but can you tell me that living with PTSD is easy? Don't even try it! I don't have all the facts to start listing a road map to health. I will be getting that map prepared for you. In the meantime I would ask you to make the decision to commit to a plan for recovery.
I am not a doctor or therapist, I am a Vet trying not to die from an illness that has claimed my family. So when I tell you I believe in this very talented woman and her story of recovery, I am nothing but serious about it. I intend on being a leader in the field of helping Veterans survive PTSD and live to see joy in their lives again. My intention for this post was to be brief and just say "Hey guys guess what I just heard". As I thought of what to say to you I felt compelled to give a little more perspective on my situation to let you know how important this mission is for me. Get ready, I am going to bring great news and much more than a glimmer of hope for recovery.
OperationPTSD
I have been living with PTSD since August of 1970. Just so happens that is the very beginning of my life. My father was a Vietnam Vet, a law enforcement officer, and in my eyes a mountain of a man. He died December 30, 1995 of a self inflicted gunshot wound. I have mentioned that before and as terrible as that sounds, its just the tip of the iceberg. I did not mention that my fathers untreated PTSD and the turmoil that was caused by it in our home while I was growing up, claimed another victim. In November of 1983, my mother after 15 years of enduring unbelievable mental and physical abuse at the hands of my father, took her own life in our garage. I came home from school to discover her. Let me tell you something, it was not a banner day in my life. Somebody owed me an explanation. I received a partial explanation in 2003 with my PTSD diagnoses.
After 39 years of fighting this illness I had a conversation with a recovered (yes I said recovered) victim of PTSD. She is not a combat Veteran but that makes no difference. When I say that makes no difference, I am absolutely convinced that her PTSD is the same PTSD I struggle with. It is the same PTSD my father struggled with and it is the same PTSD you struggle with. That may be a big concept to grasp, but take a minute and get comfortable with it.
This person I spoke with has endeavored to undergo just about every conceivable treatment plan for PTSD. The list of treatment she rattled off to me was comprehensive to put it mildly. It was a list of failures however. She did enlighten me to the technique that worked. The science behind it is fact. No argument, no doubt hard science. The key is to want it. You have to want to get better. No more whining and crying or blame games. If you want to be sick that is your choice. If you want to get better then there is hope. I did not say it would be easy, but can you tell me that living with PTSD is easy? Don't even try it! I don't have all the facts to start listing a road map to health. I will be getting that map prepared for you. In the meantime I would ask you to make the decision to commit to a plan for recovery.
I am not a doctor or therapist, I am a Vet trying not to die from an illness that has claimed my family. So when I tell you I believe in this very talented woman and her story of recovery, I am nothing but serious about it. I intend on being a leader in the field of helping Veterans survive PTSD and live to see joy in their lives again. My intention for this post was to be brief and just say "Hey guys guess what I just heard". As I thought of what to say to you I felt compelled to give a little more perspective on my situation to let you know how important this mission is for me. Get ready, I am going to bring great news and much more than a glimmer of hope for recovery.
OperationPTSD
Friday, September 11, 2009
Do you feel like this?
I want to give perspective on my own situation and the effects PTSD has had on my life. After years of walking around in a cloud of denial, I awoke in a world that I did not recognize nor desire to be in. Something had to change. I began asking people to give me feedback on my behavior. At first I was angry with the input and discounted it as weakness in those who would dare to tell me what I had asked to hear. I thought how could they possibly know what I went through, and how could they say they could have handled it any different? Well as usual I was making it about everyone else and not me. After all I had asked. I slowly realized I was bouncing in and out of a state of something I had not yet identified. Shortly after the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom I was sitting in front of the television compulsively watching the live video feeds from the embedded reporters. One morning my second wife got out of bed to find me sitting in my chair in a catatonic state. I had obviously thrown up all down the front of myself and she described me as having a seizure. We rushed to the VA outpatient clinic in Tulsa, Oklahoma where I was diagnosed with PTSD. This motivated me to try and maintain my clarity. I am still struggling to maintain that clarity.
Often I find myself rushing to intercede in a situation that involves aggression or looks like it has the potential of being violent. Only to suffer extreme anxiety afterword including uncontrollable body shaking, nausea, and the overwhelming feeling of extreme exhaustion. Many times my dreams following such an episode will have me in a position of danger and I am unable to move a muscle to stop the impending assault. Yet each time I am faced with such a situation, without thought I march right in and basically beg for all hostility and violence to be directed right at me. Not only am I hyper vigilant, but I seek hostility and danger. Only to be rewarded shortly after with a very negative physical response. If I hear a sound in the middle of the night it brings euphoria and excitement that I may be able to engage and disable a would be threat. And I pay for it again and again. I tend to justify it to myself as, better me than whom ever I interceded for.
I am highly agitated by large crowds and do everything possible to avoid places where I suspect a gathering may occur. Being enclosed is not option. I also avoid being what I would consider isolated from emergency medical care. I have a fear that I may need care and not be able to reach it in the event I am injured or incapacitated. This became apparent to me when I chose over the road trucking as a vocation. Each time I would drive across a vast expanse of desolate country my anxiety would get to the point I would get vertigo, nausea and become very agitated to the point of hostility. Needless to say I don't drive over the road anymore. Each job I have chosen has had to have a certain element of danger involved or pose a significant physical challenge or I would lose interest quickly and quit.
Having this sort of intense personality combined with my 6'5" stature, an array of tattoos and of course a closely shaved head results in inadvertent intimidation of those around me. I am actually a very gentle person at heart and I always take care to defend the weak. I love animals to a fault, which has led me to have far too many pets at various times in my life. But that is not the kind of person people see me as. I unknowingly vacillate between the kind hearted gentle giant and the predator I became in the military. Maintaining any kind of long term relationship has been very difficult. Divorced twice before I was 37 and now married again I struggle to maintain clarity so that I don't destroy my present marriage. I tend not to give much thought to other peoples feelings. I will say whatever comes to mind and I fully expect them to deal with it. If they don't, well I guess we can just have a problem then is my attitude. Does any of this sound familiar? Its not my intention to be this way, it is not my desire to have this be my legacy.
Lets talk about the VA for a moment. You may have a very competent staff locally and I pray that you do. I am not so fortunate and I am under the impression from listening to other veterans that there is a void in PTSD care at this moment within the VA. I have noticed a push to correct this problem and I think there is a movement occurring to improve care for veterans with PTSD. However, do not let the VA be your only outlet for care even if finances are an issue. I am developing relationships with some very dedicated and talented people in this area of expertise. My goal is to provide a direct link to excellent resources for all veterans regardless of location or income levels. As I become aware of these resources I will promptly pass them along. I do not have the cure as I am still battling in the trenches myself, but I am motivated and focused on being a catalyst for healing for all my fellow warriors. Keep fighting the good fight.
Often I find myself rushing to intercede in a situation that involves aggression or looks like it has the potential of being violent. Only to suffer extreme anxiety afterword including uncontrollable body shaking, nausea, and the overwhelming feeling of extreme exhaustion. Many times my dreams following such an episode will have me in a position of danger and I am unable to move a muscle to stop the impending assault. Yet each time I am faced with such a situation, without thought I march right in and basically beg for all hostility and violence to be directed right at me. Not only am I hyper vigilant, but I seek hostility and danger. Only to be rewarded shortly after with a very negative physical response. If I hear a sound in the middle of the night it brings euphoria and excitement that I may be able to engage and disable a would be threat. And I pay for it again and again. I tend to justify it to myself as, better me than whom ever I interceded for.
I am highly agitated by large crowds and do everything possible to avoid places where I suspect a gathering may occur. Being enclosed is not option. I also avoid being what I would consider isolated from emergency medical care. I have a fear that I may need care and not be able to reach it in the event I am injured or incapacitated. This became apparent to me when I chose over the road trucking as a vocation. Each time I would drive across a vast expanse of desolate country my anxiety would get to the point I would get vertigo, nausea and become very agitated to the point of hostility. Needless to say I don't drive over the road anymore. Each job I have chosen has had to have a certain element of danger involved or pose a significant physical challenge or I would lose interest quickly and quit.
Having this sort of intense personality combined with my 6'5" stature, an array of tattoos and of course a closely shaved head results in inadvertent intimidation of those around me. I am actually a very gentle person at heart and I always take care to defend the weak. I love animals to a fault, which has led me to have far too many pets at various times in my life. But that is not the kind of person people see me as. I unknowingly vacillate between the kind hearted gentle giant and the predator I became in the military. Maintaining any kind of long term relationship has been very difficult. Divorced twice before I was 37 and now married again I struggle to maintain clarity so that I don't destroy my present marriage. I tend not to give much thought to other peoples feelings. I will say whatever comes to mind and I fully expect them to deal with it. If they don't, well I guess we can just have a problem then is my attitude. Does any of this sound familiar? Its not my intention to be this way, it is not my desire to have this be my legacy.
Lets talk about the VA for a moment. You may have a very competent staff locally and I pray that you do. I am not so fortunate and I am under the impression from listening to other veterans that there is a void in PTSD care at this moment within the VA. I have noticed a push to correct this problem and I think there is a movement occurring to improve care for veterans with PTSD. However, do not let the VA be your only outlet for care even if finances are an issue. I am developing relationships with some very dedicated and talented people in this area of expertise. My goal is to provide a direct link to excellent resources for all veterans regardless of location or income levels. As I become aware of these resources I will promptly pass them along. I do not have the cure as I am still battling in the trenches myself, but I am motivated and focused on being a catalyst for healing for all my fellow warriors. Keep fighting the good fight.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
No Warrior Left Behind
I would like to take this opportunity to share my feelings about my fellow warriors and my commitment to them. For those of us who served we all know that we don't leave a fellow wounded soldier on the battlefield. Right now, at this very moment there are men and women in many theatres of combat defending us, our country, our values and our way of life. Most of us are well aware of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and certainly my thoughts are with the troops serving over there. I want to point out the warriors that have returned home and are now fighting a new enemy on a new and rarely defined battlefield. PTSD is a war fought within the minds of our nations hero's that were fortunate enough to return home after service to our country. That is the battlefield that I am concerned with now that I too have made it home. To ignore the wounds sustained to our warriors minds is to leave them forever on the battlefield. Make no mistake about it, PTSD is a combat related wound. Honor is a quality that all warriors hold close to their hearts. Honor is a principle that drives a warrior in combat. Honor is what drives me to reach out to our wounded veterans and encourage them in a time of need. There is no dishonor in be wounded. However, do not allow yourself to be dishonored by not engaging the enemy on the battlefield. Do not allow PTSD to go unchecked. PTSD has many faces and may not appear the same in each individual. It is a destructive condition that we are really just starting to understand. Many veterans feel that it is somehow a weakness to have this injury. It most certainly is not a weakness, in fact it is your courage that placed you in a position to receive this wound. It will be your courage that leads you to get the help you need to overcome this wound. Don't leave yourself on the battlefield. Show your courage for yourself, your family and honor your fallen comrades by getting the help you need for this injury. Countless warriors have made the ultimate sacrifice so that we may live the life we enjoy. We owe it to them to do just that. Live and enjoy your life. Take the intiative to talk to a professional if you or your family suspects PTSD may be affecting your life. I am committed to helping you and me overcome this combat injury.
OperationPTSD
OperationPTSD
Monday, September 7, 2009
A new beginning to an old problem.
I will assume that you are reading this because of an interest in PTSD. Whether you suffer from PTSD or know someone that does chances are that you will have more questions than answers. I am a Desert Storm Vet diagnosed with PTSD in 2003. Yes it took 11 years for someone at the VA to realize I was dealing with some major issues. Getting a diagnosis, I was one of the fortunate ones. My father a Vietnam Vet was not so lucky, he put a bullet in his head in 1995 after years of alcoholism and depression stemming from his undiagnosed PTSD. I do not have a tremendous amount of information that will be the key to making everything better. I do have years of experience in living with and suffering from this condition. I have found this condition to be an ever evolving and mysteriously disruptive force in my life. Political correctness is not my forte' and I will put my opinions out there with no sugar or excuses for its to the point bluntness. There are people out there right now having their lives destroyed by this condition. It must stop! Awareness is the first step to getting this epidemic of destruction stopped. We cannot and I would not suggest that we run from military action, I am and will be a strong supporter of our military and the job they do. However, I am appalled at the lack of preparation that the VA and all branches of the armed forces are putting forth to educate our troops and their families on the real threat that PTSD has and can have in the years following military service. We have had entire generations of men and women in this country affected by this condition without any resources for diagnoses and treatment. We still have very little viable treatment plans for those who have been diagnosed. Before I became aware of PTSD I had a stereotype of returning vets as violent, alcoholics and or drug addicts that refused to assimilate back into society after service. Many vets have been portrayed as such in movies and other media for years. In fact I have learned watching the History Channel that many of the violent biker gangs that still exist in this country were originally formed by returning vets that could not assume a role in society that was socially acceptable so they banded together to form groups where they found understanding and acceptance. I have struggled to understand my condition and why I can not seem to just get along with others. I find our society weak and spineless and I have very little respect for the soft and nonconfrontational people we as a whole have become. People sit around and wait for someone else to do something about their problems. I want to motivate PTSD vets to stand up and do something for themselves. I will continue to write in this blog as often as possible and I will share my experiences openly with you. I intend on starting a movement to save our vets and their families from this invasive and unforgiving condition. Please feel free to join me in my quest because I value my freedom and even more than that the men and women who ensure I keep it!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
